i spoke a little on speaking at a conference, on my monday mix, but i really didn’t go into depth. here i will. a bit of backstory. i learned at a young age to be quite independent and to be quite frank, i never thought i would have a husband, much less, kids. it wasn’t because i didn’t like the idea of them, but mostly fearful and more than anything bitter.. i was a hard case of confusion, resentment, and brokenness.
fun fact, I chose my name 16 days shy of my 12th birthday. here is what my name means. Marissa–wished-for child; rebellion; bitter. there was nothing special about choosing my name, honestly, i opened a baby book out of frustration, pointed to a name that sounded hispanic and boom, that was that. the cool part, God had it, you see, I was wished for because i was finally getting adopted, not that it worked out in the end, but it was a season of life that God literally carried me and placed people in my life to help shape and mold me into a being of who i am now. rebellion..i am one who challenges and rebels in ways that society and community feel i should act or be. not because i want to just fight everyone and everything they believe, but because i get tired of norms and acting a role that is so not me. bitter, i had
crap in my life and it was only granted that i feel a bit of bitterness towards all that crap that took place.
so basically i had my head screwed on right when it came to guys, i learned to focus on my grades and pretty much forgot the rest. did i pay attention to the guys, yes, did i crush.. hardcore, did i have boyfriends, well duh..it went a little like this..marissa and so and so are a couple, so and so passes marissa in the hall, marissa, “hi”, so and so, “hi.” boom. the pure existence of my boyfriend and girlfriend relationship..any of it sound familiar..everyone had these, right? i had insecurities, mainly, anxiety of not being liked, perhaps being too weird, too quiet..yes, quiet. i was this, it is crazy, how a lack of insecurity can totally make you someone you now could look back at not recognize. for a time being i was both a leader and follower. as long as it was something i really wanted to do, i didn’t mind following. the moment it became something i was not crazy about, i just simply didn’t do it. it wasn’t until high school that this entirely changed.
so here it is. when i committed to speaking at “It’s a Girls Thing” i had no idea what i really wanted to talk about, last year i gave a quick version of my testimony..it went like this..marissa talked, sweated, felt anxious, and talked some more. i was not prepared to really share my heart with girls, because to be honest. there was still a lot on my heart that God was working on. i was mad. i was hurt, and it was not pretty. i remember looking at these girls, i remember thinking, i want you to know you are beautiful, you have a god that loves you, you are made in his image..how can you not see how amazing you are? instead, i failed. i remember going to a young lady at the end of the conference and asked her “what had she learned?” she replied, “basically to stay away from boys and that they are no good!” my heart hurt for her in that moment, boys are not bad, there are good ones out there, you just have to be willing to be pursued, to know you are worthy of the right guy, and just like young ladies, they too falter in areas, not entirely their fault. i wanted to scream this to her. i have seen numerous young men be raised to be young gentlemen, i pray that we are raising one right now. so i remembered that…it still urks me a little. so this year, when trying to find a topic, i went around asking all ladies in the offices of my new job, what their struggles were in middle and high school and what they wished they had known then, that they know now?
they wished they had known that they don’t have to worry about the small things. not to justify giving up their values and beliefs for what they want that they believe is a need. you are unique, not anyone is like you, because you are who you are, you make a difference. you can inspire without even knowing it. the ones who think they had it all and think they knew it all, sometimes don’t, that is okay. don’t follow a crowd, don’t trend, little things now, really aren’t that big of a deal later. you are smarter than you give yourself credit for, own it. Boys, they aren’t bad, they falter just as much as girls, girls you have to be aware of the message you are sending out, boys are to respect you, but you are to respect yourself first. there are young boys out there who are being raised to be young gentlemen, i pray i am raising one now. they are not resilient to sin, nor are girls. know your worth, know you are beautiful, strong, and live boldly.
if you are a woman or man. know you are beautiful. not because someone needs to make you feel that way, but because their is not another like you. how cool is that?? maybe it is just me, but that is crazy rad and i love the idea that i am made in Gods image, beautifully. pear body shape, mermaid hair, caca brown eyes, and all! 🙂