I don’t often write about my kiddos, not because I am not the most proud momma to the most amazing beings to walk this earth, but because I easily become a total emotional wreck when it comes to writing or talking about the man I call my husband or the kiddos that call me mommy on the daily. Yesterday, as I sat in life group amongst some amazing believers the question arose of when we finally “got it” when we finally got God? His existence, his realness and the undeserving grace that is shown upon us daily by such a loving heavenly father. Well to be completely honest, this is a constant struggle, I like to blame it on the human part of who I am, but excuses are excuses and the truth is, I struggle because sometimes it is just easier to get caught up in life and put God on the back burner until he is needed. So, when did I “get it?” I guess in realness you would have to understand a bit of the backstory…
I grew up in many foster homes, at one point or another experiencing all kind of denominations in faith, nonetheless religion played a part in my life growing up, if you are just getting on board.. I met my husband at 14, at the South Texas Children’s Home which is based on Christian principles. My Clinton is a pastors kid, he stayed out of trouble, lived life on the edge and had lots of hospital visits due to his risky life on the edge behavior. When we met, we were that couple. People looked at us as if we could do no wrong, so when I was in my first year of college and I found myself pregnant and not married, I personally felt so ashamed and a heavy guilt weighed on my heart. I have never ever thought my child was a mistake, Clinton and I both knew exactly what led to babies, so saying our child was a mistake was completely off the table. Till this day, he is our only child that was planned..our twins were not, but hey God had a plan and that is really all that ever matters.
So October 3, 2009, when that Clear Blue read positive, I knew everything in me was so not in a position to have a baby, much less me a mom. There was no way that I could be a mom. So out of fear, I went to plan parenthood, I obtained all information that was needed to go forth with an abortion, I knew it was not the way I was raised, but for the longest time, I had tried to lead a life of perfection. So it seemed like the only way I could make it right was to discontinue the life that was slowly growing inside of me. Clinton and I had the ideal relationship, his parents were leaders of a church and my papaw and mamaw had raised me to know better and I knew my beliefs and values and I treasured them, so to be pregnant made me a hypocrite, right? It took a long while before I allowed God to lead my heart to forgive myself and to be completely honest it wasn’t until Brody was born that everything as in shame, guilt, embarrassment, and a sadness, I had ever felt toward my pregnancy vanished.
January 1, 2010, Clinton and I were engaged and February 13, 2010, we were married. Many were skeptical that the reason we were getting married was because I was pregnant…it wasn’t.
So back to the question when did I finally “get God?”
My children our a constant reminder of the miracle of awesomeness, of forgiveness when we are so undeserving, of grace upon grace. Isn’t it so awesome, that God can bring two imperfect people together, to create such an amazing miracle. He takes a little from both parents and creates the most gorgeous little beings that resemble both and to think they started off smaller than small and become miracles that teach you more lessons than you thought possible.
Not saying it is perfect, I constantly struggle with overthinking parenting, am I doing this right, am I giving enough discipline, am I giving too much, what do other people think about my kids when I am not around, are they respectful, am I showing them God am I being Godlike in my own personal walk, our my actions christ seeking? Like I said, tons of thoughts. Here it is though, we aren’t called to be perfect. I am constantly learning to accept that.
There are many times when I have in awe moments of knowing God is present, but when I look at my children, I get it! Everyday they are a constant reminder, but more so I realized this in the first year of Brody’s life. I told myself I wanted to be intentional from the get go, I never wanted to be my birth mother, I wanted this beautiful child to know love and feel love unconditionally. From the time he was a wee baby, I often spend nights whispering in his ear well after he is asleep, mainly prayer and a lot of encouragement, it goes a bit like this “you are intelligent, you are handsome, you are the son of a heavenly father who loves you, you are mommy and daddy’s world, you make a difference, you inspire, you are the best smile” and whatever else God lays on my heart, I remember when he was two and he was taking a nap, but he looked so so cute that I whispered in his ear, “you know you are smart, handsome and my favorite son” he whispered back to me with his eyes closed “I know!”
I get it, even in the smallest circumstances, live life intentionally and seek out how God is moving in every situation. You will “get it” in more ways than one!