when people ask me about marriage, this, this part of life, it can get tricky. i get emotional. i came into my marriage with so much history. not the promiscuous kind, but the hurt, not trusting kind. it is a part of who i am. it is a part that my darling man has taken on. it is not easy. i am the most honest with him.
i have been with him for twelve years. he has seen it all. my temperament can be on point and sometimes it can be way off. i have splashes of excitement, i am in constant need of freedom and independence with boundaries. i am a bit fierce, but he reels me back in any state of mind i may be in. it is hard. it is questionable how can this man choose me. the most confident, unconfident person.
i struggle with triggers. he knows them sometimes better than i do. he knows i love my kids, but it is so hard for me to be the mom i want to be because of my own upbringing. he knows i struggle with making small talk relationships, that i want more. i want to know peoples stories. i want to serve. he genuinely knows my heart, yet for all the beauty that can be found, there is just as much scarring. i often try to find a medium. sometimes i get downs in the dumps, some may call it depression, i call it pity party central. i snap out of it, in that time though, i quit eating, my eyes sink, my voice changes to a faint whisper of short replies. i seclude myself. i no longer want to be part of the crowd, the introvert in me is everything. it lingers, until i get in my world of getting over myself. i put on a face because the world does not want to be around an emotional firecracker, never knowing what you may get. he just holds me, loves me, plays with my hair, and rubs my feet. he continues to just let me be, all the while serving me as if i am the only thing in the world going on.
he knows that “people, becoming my people” is my happy. creating art, capturing emotional, intentional, and meaningful moments that is my heart. investing all of who i am into people, what i can do to make them know they are wanted, they are worthy, and so freakin’ awesome. he knows that is my thing. people and their stories that is my passion. when i come home, he knows that it is what makes me giddy. he watches me. so many details, then he slowly smirks, because before him is the equivalent demeanor of a child in a candy shop.
he is dreamy. he is challenging. he is rad.
what about a person makes them stay with someone who is so dark, but kind. they have a story telling soul, they have a life full of stories, sometimes the past resonates, things that have been buried for years, surface without thought, then it just lingers. this marriage thing. it is work. it is more than being a part of a tradition. getting a fancy dress, having fancy food, it is a lifetime of being vulnerable and intentional in someone else’s life. there are lots of moments that you just have to be more than you ever thought you could be. it is being a hero, knowing that at some point you may be the villain, but if there is anything i have learned in marriage it is being constant, unconditionally loving wherever that person may be. chasing adventure, chasing spontaneous everything, and being willing to hold each others hand no matter what.
i am glad that there will be plenty of bum grabbing, slow dancing in the middle of the living room, laying in your bed in the middle of the day just talking about life, and eating cereal as a late night snack moments, but more than anything i am so glad that god placed this beautiful man to pursue me on my lows, on my highs, in my triumphs, and in my sorrows.
because i can’t get enough of him and his pursuing heart and screw anyone who thinks that mushy real talk and loving your spouse to the core is for the birds. it doesn’t always look pretty, but with him it is so worth it.