It is not like me to usually make New Years resolutions, not because it isn’t a thing, but because it really isn’t my thing. My mantra for 2015 was simply to be intentional. this year…
Be present. Be enough. Be bold. LIVE
2015, was a year of being broken, shamefully living in fear of my own emotions and simply learning through some hard riffs.
To say the least, I started the year questioning everything there was to question, my marriage, my parenting, my relationships with friends & family or the lack of, my schooling, my small, what seemed to be growing photography business, and even my mermaid hair. I am an over thinker to the max, it is one of my many flaws, sometimes it saves me and sometimes it seems to bury me alive.
I find it crazy that it can be as strong as it is, when I really didn’t know it could be any stronger, more beautiful than the year before. I surely give my handsome a run for his money and I often think about all the people who thought we were getting married for all the wrong reasons, or simply those who didn’t believe that we were good for each other. & then I take a look at us, and think dang, I am so happy that faith of what is to come does not rest in people, but a mighty God that shows grace. For God alone is the core to our marriage. Although there are interruption and imperfection. I am forever grateful for this season in our marriage
It is not easy, I went to my room more times than I care to share because Clinton and I were not on the same page and to keep from stating that in front of my kids, I simply had to leave the room in order not to object. Kids are freakishly smart, I have seen my fair share of a child playing a parent and having them in the palm of their hand. I love my kiddos, they are amazing little humans that continuously grow smarter by the day and seek a new way to challenge me as a parent, but I refuse to let them be the boss.
Early on, I knew it was going to be hard and that Clinton and I had to be on the same page, we had to be a team, we made decisions together, we knew how we wanted to raise our littles, and we new there would be times that we didn’t disagree, no matter what, we have each others back. Not saying, it has been perfect, but the first time I disagreed with him in front of my Brody on something simply that he said “no” and I said “yes” Brody, then tried using it against us. no bueno. We then learned, hey lets go to the room and talk about this, really quick, sometimes, decisions have to be made and room talks have to come later. I trust Clinton with everything, which is probably the hardest thing anyone has to ever do, is simply be vulnerable to someone else. ugh. So I know he has the best of intentions for our children.
With that said, I am a fan of disagreements in front of your kids, it is cool for them to see healthy disagreements along with healthy make ups. parenting is rough, but hey.. I call it a good year, I went to the store many times with my kids, got everything needed and it didn’t include buying a toy or candy to shut my kid up!
friendships & family:
I’ll be honest. I seriously need to approach this differently.
2015, consisted of hurts among really good friends & family, it then consisted of a lot of me backing off in order to save myself from more hurt. it is a thing. it is not a good thing, but it is me protecting, me. goal: mend some hurt. even if it hurts my pride.
I’m officially no longer a career student. BOOM!
At the end of 2015, I was ready to sell off my gear and let it go. I am my own critic and I am tough on myself, I won’t lie, I am still kinda in that mind set, I haven’t picked up my camera since Christmas, my doubt gets the best of me, I question if “I am good enough!?” I am so thankful for mentors who push me, I’m thankful for friends who have encouraging words, I am so thankful for my couples who are out of this world amazing!
Sometimes I want to cut you, really really short, but then I remember you are mermaid hair and I really could not rock short hair, tried it, rocked the “I look like a boy look,” instead of I look chic, edgy and cute. darn. mermaid hair problems. it fros. not in a cute way. just in a hair nest way.
in everything i do. less phone, less social media. more time in face to face conversation. be in the room with my kids/husband, interact, business, text, emails, it can wait. also bring hand writing letters back. i get so excited for personalized (written in pen) mail.
one to many times i lose sight of this. i try and live up to others expectations of who i think they want me to be. i am not christian enough. i do not play the womanly role in society enough. i am not quiet enough. i am not meek enough. i do not conform enough. blah. blah. blah. so over it.
people know i am honest, i am. i am bold. it can be a hindrance or at times titled differently. i need to be okay with that.
go all in, do not hold back. just be. let my heart lead my adventurous wandering. shoot moments for me. ask random people you find interesting to share in moments in front of your camera. do not stare at them discretely, with hopeful wishing that they can read your mind. it does not work.